Forgiving Myself

The Lord is compassionate and gracious,
    slow to anger, abounding in love.
⁹ He will not always accuse,
    nor will he harbor his anger forever;
¹⁰ he does not treat us as our sins deserve
    or repay us according to our iniquities.
¹¹ For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
    so great is his love for those who fear him;
¹² as far as the east is from the west,
    so far has he removed our transgressions from us.   Psalm 103:8-12

As I mentioned in my last post, I’m in a class at Celebrate Recovery through which the Lord has challenged me to let go of my resentments.  To do this, I made a list of the resentments that I still carry – some big ones, quite a lot of smaller ones.  Now I’m working my way through the list as I forgive each person who has hurt me.

Do you know who’s been the hardest person on the list for me to forgive?  Like, by far?

Me.

I have done some awful things over the course of my life, some by accident and some not.  I have brought hurt and pain onto myself with some of those actions and choices, but what’s much worse from my perspective is that I have caused harm and pain to others.  In looking back at many situations, I now feel like I should have known and done better, and I’m ashamed.  I find myself asking how I could possibly forgive myself.

As I asked trusted people for prayer as I go over this territory, it was mentioned by no fewer than three people that they struggle with forgiving themselves also.  I felt like the Lord was speaking to me about the prevalence of this problem among Christians.

So how do we forgive ourselves?  Well, I’m no expert, but here are some things that I’m learning as I go through this process.

First, I have to acknowledge my emotions about what happened.  I’m sometimes the queen of denial, stuffing feelings down deep.  These stuffed feelings keep bubbling to the surface, bringing the old memories back with them and making it hard for me to forgive myself.  When I acknowledge my feelings about what I did, I take ownership of my emotions and they no longer control me.

Second, I remember that I am fully and completely forgiven by Jesus for everything I have ever done, thought or said that was not in alignment with His will and His character.  It doesn’t matter if what was done happened before or after I came to know Him – I am fully forgiven.  Jeremiah 31:34 says that He remembers my sins no more.  That is, He doesn’t hold them over my head or throw them in my face in a shaming way.  If He has so fully forgiven me, who am I to argue with Him?  Because of the grace I have received from Him, I can give some of that grace to myself.

Third, I think what advice I would give to a brother or sister in Christ if they came to me for help because they were struggling over something they had done.  Would I suggest that they beat themselves up some more because what they did was really horrendous?  Of course not!  I would remind them of the grace that is ours in Christ Jesus.  Therefore, I choose to follow that same advice and give that same reminder of grace to myself.

Fourth, I ask myself if I still owe anybody an amends for something that is still bothering me.  I get the advice of a strong, mature, trusted brother or sister in Christ before making an amends to someone.  I want to make sure that my motives are right, and I don’t want to cause the person that I previously hurt any additional pain by reaching out to them again.  In some cases, it may not be safe or appropriate for me to make an amends to someone, so I must talk it over first with that trusted person.  However, after doing that, making an appropriate amends is a good way to help me forgive myself.

Fifth, I ask myself what I can learn from my past mistakes.  Have I grown as a result of what happened?  Is my step of growth in the forgiveness of myself or in the making of amends?

Finally, the Lord showed me that to not forgive myself is to say that Christ’s death on the cross was not enough to pay for all of my sins, and that is utterly false.  When I don’t forgive myself, I’m saying that I have a better way of paying for my sins than what Christ offers.  This is unbelief and it represents the height of a prideful attitude.  It is time for me to get on my knees and repent of (turn away from) these deadly sins!

If any of this has resonated with you, too, would you like to pray with me today?

Lord Jesus, we come to You for help in learning to forgive ourselves.  Forgive us for our sins of unbelief and of pride.  Help us to receive Your forgiveness for the wrongs that we have done; wash us clean of them.  Bring the freedom and peace that comes from knowing we are forgiven for ALL wrongs, big or small.  Wash away our guilt as we confess our sins to You.  Please help us to make amends in a way that is appropriate, and help us to learn from those mistakes and not make them again.  Thank You, Lord, that You have removed our sins from us as far as the east is from the west and that You remember our sins no more.  We love you and ask these things in the name of Jesus.  Amen.   

 

 

 

 

Wrestling With Resentment

³¹ Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice.  Ephesians 4:31

Resentment:  (Noun.)  Bitter indignation at having been treated unfairly.  Synonym:  Bitterness

A couple of months ago, a friend invited me to come to a class that she would be co-leading at Celebrate Recovery that was called “Life’s Healing Choices”.   It’s based on the book by that name.  I heard the Lord whisper to me to go, so I did.  I wasn’t sure at first what exactly I was supposed to work on, but it quickly became apparent that I needed to work on removing resentment from my heart.

I admit that I didn’t think I had much work to do in this area.  I have been part of recovery ministries before and have been through the steps, including the fourth step where you make an inventory of all of your resentments so that in later steps you can forgive the perpetrator and make amends where you need to do so.  Through that experience, I had forgiven the guy who raped me in high school and some other really big offenses.  I thought I might find a few resentments from recent years but I didn’t expect to find resentments from years gone by.

Boy, was I wrong!

Just making my list of resentments has been eye-opening for me.  I asked the Lord to guide me in that process and to show me the true state of my heart, and I’m sorry to say that there are lots of old injuries still there.  Some of them are such small things…things like a kid who hurt my feelings on the playground one day in elementary school.  “Really, God?” I thought.  “That was so long ago and really isn’t of any consequence today.”  The Lord answered with a question of His own:  “It may be a small thing, but how much resentment do you really think it is okay to have in your heart?”

It then dawned on me that allowing ANY degree of resentment to stay in my heart was going to continue to leach poison into my soul.  This poison threatens all of my relationships.  I quickly decided I don’t want any of that.

In addition, the Lord has revealed some larger resentments to me.  I’ve dismissed them before as, “Oh, that’s just who he/she is, and I’ve learned to live with it.”  The fact is, though, that the underlying wounds have not been adequately healed, even though some of these are decades old.  It’s time to let Him heal those wounds and let go of the resentment that festers in deep, dark, hidden places of my heart.

I am now finishing up my list of resentments with the Lord’s help.  New or old, I want to get these dealt with.  I want to be a person who keeps short accounts, dealing with resentments as quickly as they appear and forgiving instantly.  I don’t want my heart to be a toxic soup of resentment and bitterness and anger; it’s already had way too much of that over the years.

And here’s the thing…carrying resentment is heavy, y’all.  We were not designed to drag that kind of weight through our lives.  Thanks to Christ’s death on the cross and His resurrection, we don’t have to carry it any longer – it has been nailed to the cross with Him!

It’s time to make amends to as many people as I can for my past resentments and to move forward into the freedom that the Lord has for me as soon as I can.  I can’t wait for more freedom!  Amen!

 

 

Forgiveness and Grace

Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone.  Forgive as the Lord forgave you.  Colossians 3:13

I’m not always quick to forgive.  In fact, more often than not, I’ve allowed unforgiveness to sit in my heart, much to my own detriment.  (I’m working on that.)  One notable exception was in response to an event that happened a few years ago.

Back at that time, my church family received news that was pretty nearly devastating to our hearts.  It came to light that two of the leaders of my church had had an inappropriate relationship with each other and they were being removed from their positions.  I will never forget the night that that announcement was made, because the Lord immediately whispered to my heart, “Forgive them, right NOW.”  Like a flash, I could see in my mind’s eye all the things that I had done that the Lord (and others) had forgiven me for, and I forgave them then and there, on the spot, no questions asked.  I’m so glad I did!  I’ve been free of the bitterness that comes from being unforgiving.  Even more importantly, I’ve been able to freely offer grace to these two leaders.

In spite of my quickness to forgive in that particular circumstance, I still struggle quite often to offer forgiveness when I’ve been hurt.  It seems easier and safer to build walls between myself and the one who hurt me than it is to remember all that I’ve been forgiven and to extend that same forgiveness to someone else.  How ridiculous to do this in spite of what I’ve learned about forgiveness!

Here are two important things I’ve learned about forgiveness:

1. Forgiveness is ALWAYS given to someone who doesn’t deserve it.  Whatever was done to you has real consequences and has caused real pain and loss.  There’s nothing the other party can do to undo what was done or to make up for it.  Forgiving them doesn’t mean that what they did was okay – it simply means that you’re choosing to let Jesus pay the price for what was done instead of exacting payment from the offending party.
2. Unforgiveness blocks the flow of God’s love through you to others.  Wow.  Did you hear that?  By extending grace to someone who has wronged you, you are allowing the love of the Holy Spirit to witness to someone else, and you can actually block that love by withholding forgiveness.  They don’t get to experience God’s grace and mercy by your holding what they’ve done over their heads.  Sometimes I’ve even had to offer forgiveness to myself for things that I have done so that I can live more fully in the love of my Father!

The Lord has been challenging me more and more to be quicker to forgive, and I’ve been the recipient of many opportunities to practice forgiveness.  I don’t know that I’ve gotten any better at it, just to be honest, but as I said, I’m working on it.  I do know that I’m more and more aware of the bitterness of heart that comes from unforgiveness.  That bitterness is ugly and gross and is ill-fitting on me as a child of God. I want to be someone who forgives quickly and completely, and who seeks forgiveness quickly from others.

These are some of the barriers that Jesus and I have been working on in these past weeks, as well as other challenges, and I would appreciate your prayers.  I would also love to pray for you if you struggle to offer forgiveness to anyone.  Please feel free to leave a comment below or to contact me through Twitter at @AdventuresInGr1 and I’ll gladly pray for you in this, too.  Thanks for reading and for being on this journey too!